On Being Alone

I couldn't count the number of messages I have received from men telling me how horribly lonely they are. How they desperately need a girlfriend/wife/human sex toy in their lives to fix everything. I always respond that until you are capable of being happy and fulfilled alone you do not need a relationship. The weird internet culture around dating and sex is a post for another time, but the topic of loneliness is interesting to me.

I had a bit of a heated debate with a friend over having multiple children once, it was a bit eye-opening about who they were in ways I won't share here, but I will explain our stances. I was raised an only child, and while there are some children floating around from my egg donor I was in every way that mattered, an only child. Of course, since this is my experience I would be more interested in repeating it. I wasn't ignored or neglected, my family played with me (and spoiled me if we're being honest). This was a privilege, and one I would want to give to any child I may hypothetically bring into the world. I do now have a sibling, she was born two days after my seventeenth birthday, I love her dearly. While my father didn't intentionally wait until close to my adulthood to have another child I think there was more wisdom in it than most people realize. My sister is now allowed to grow with tons of people who love her dearly and are focused on her growth. It takes a village, and when that village isn't distracted by a litter of children it's easier.  The friend's argument was that the child would be alone if their parents were gone, even in adulthood that would be difficult.  They have siblings who they are close to, this is an unsurprising side for them to take. What I was surprised by was the fact they couldn't really see my point. A two-parent household with one child has more time, energy, love, and likely money to care for that child than a two-parent household with three children. On top of that, at some point in all of our lives we are going to be alone, everyone should be prepared for that reality. People die, opportunities arrive, pandemics happen, and avoiding loneliness is highly unlikely. Not to mention it would stunt a person's growth, we can learn the most about ourselves in the time we spend alone with our mind. Maybe I am weird, or maybe my enjoyment of isolation is some sign of mental illness, but if everyone I loved dropped dead tomorrow I would find a way to survive. That is what your parents should teach you: How to survive without them. It is not the natural way for a parent to outlive their child, we lose people in life and at times it leaves us alone. Of course, having more family to lean on is wonderful, humans are tribal, some part of us craves intimate community, but we can survive without it. 

Fear holds us back from our true selves, no one is without some fear, but allowing it to control your life means you will only ever live a half-life. If you fear being alone so greatly that you only focus on filling your life with people you aren't taking the time to cultivate meaningful relationships, you're not facing and handling your fears. Fear will control every aspect of your life if you allow it. I personally make a choice to not allow fear to rule my life. I have abadonment trauma, being left by everyone I love has certianly been a fear of mine, but in reality people don't always have control of their leaving (my grandmother couldn't live forever), and if someone doesn't want to be in my life, I certianly won't be forcing them. I'd rather live in isolation than to be surrounded by people who don't truly care for me. 

Avoiding being alone is likely avoiding facing parts of yourself that are only loud when you are left with your thoughts and feelings. I'd much rather face the darkest parts of myself than allow my relationships with others to control my life. There is peace to be found in ourselves if only we search for it. Not every part of the human experience is beautiful and easy, but if it was we wouldn't ever appreciate the moments of pure joy that are found in existing.  

This post has been sitting half finished for several months, I know the topic of loneliness will be a bit polarizing, and I was never sure how I wanted to end it. It's not exactly ending on the post postive note, and I know some people will feel personally attacked. In all reality I write a lot of these posts because I find them thought provoking. I've made a lot of life changes this year, and it's led to me having less social outlets, I don't regret this at all. I enjoy my alone time a lot, and I've never comprehended people who aren't comfortable being alone. It's certainly a worthy discussion topic. 

Taila Out.