Is People Pleasing Manipulation?

 Ooo look at that title, yup no preamble we're going to talk about it. It's been a popular topic in my algorithm lately. 

Let's first define a people pleaser; this is a person who wants other people to like them and wants others to always approve of them. The first thing to address is how much the always in that sentence matters, a people pleaser will go to great lengths to ensure other people see them in a positive light, regardless of their own well-being. They will change their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to fit into the box they believe others want them to be. Instinctually most people want to feel accepted somewhere in their life, the desire to fit in or be loved is nothing to be ashamed of, however, it can be taken too far. 

Now that we understand what a people pleaser is, let's move forward. I've known quite a few people pleasers, and could even be accused of occasionally behaving this way myself. People pleasers are likely a result of some type of trauma, the need to be accepted to that extent has to be a crippling feeling. However, I don't think anyone can be excused of toxic behaviors regardless of the reasoning, having an understanding of why is the beginning of changing the behavior. 

Why would people pleasing be manipulation? Well, I think it is a good way of hiding the true self, if you are always changing your personality to fit in with a group, inauthenticity is certainly a form of lying. It doesn't allow people to make a genuine impression of you, to know who you are, and to decide if you are someone they would genuinely like to have in their life. To put on a mask constantly has to be a burden, and it cannot last forever, inevitably you will show your true colors. I would also say people peasing is also a form of self-harm. 

I want nothing more than for people to be 100% upfront about who they view themselves to be, to comport themselves as they truly are. Unfortunately, very few of us do that. There are many situations where we must at minimum curb parts of ourselves to function, as an example, we must all be professional in our jobs. I believe we all have different versions of ourselves for different parts of our lives, I do not behave the same way in public, that I would act in the privacy of my home with my partner. This is not a lack of authenticity, it is knowing what behavior is appropriate depending on the situation. 

While I do think that people pleasing has the taste of manipulation, I also believe the people hurt most by these actions are the people pleasers themselves. You can never be fully accepted if you are incapable of showing who you really are to anyone. I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for an image that isn't real. 

I think this is a topic with a lot more depth than I can get into in a short blog post, but I think it has value in reflecting on the behaviors that not only affect the people around us, but the ones that hurt us most. 

On that note, I am off to try to finish these final edits!

Taila Out.