Warning: The post ahead is extremely emotionally vulnerable. Some of the things I say are more about how I feel than reality. Do not take offense if you are one of my lovely friends. Your efforts to be a part of my life are deeply appreciated.
I may be a romance author, but I have never wanted to have a big wedding. I was not one of the teenage girls dreaming of my "big day". For many years, I never wanted to get married at all. Not an unsurprising take from someone whose parents had multiple (not great) marriages. My grandparents were married for nearly 45 years before my grandmother passed away, but I wouldn't say their marriage inspired any desire for the same in me. Of course, that feeling changed when I met my finace. Unlike me, Tyler grew up in a home with two parents who very clearly loved each other. Having spent quite a bit of time over the years with Andrea and David, it was always very obvious how much the two of them truly did love one another. Because of that, Tyler views marriage and weddings far differently than I do.
Now here we are, pushing nearly eight years together. Our wedding is planned for October 25, 2025. I wish I could tell you all I was looking forward to it. The truth is... I'm not. When we sat down to discuss exactly what our wedding would look like... Well to say the least, we had diametrically opposed ideas. I wanted a quick and simple ceremony, possibly a courthouse wedding with only our families (or parents) there. Tyler wanted what he'd spent his entire life seeing. Big ceremony, big reception, normal and traditional wedding. Ultimately, we chose to have a ceremony and reception. We have invited maybe forty people. For a traditional wedding that is pretty small. We selected our wedding party, we booked our venue, and we've been to several lunches to work on planning. I purchased my dress (it is beautiful), decor, and more.
Here's the problem. We are 45 days from finally tying the knot, and I regret everything about what we've planned. I don't want to have a wedding party, I don't want forty people to watch while we say our vows. I don't want to spend another penny on wedding expenses. I just want to be married to my best friend. I don't care about anything else. We could elope today, and I would be over the moon. Is that the beautiful romance that most people dream of? No, I'm sure to most of you reading this I sound absolutely insane.
The real problem is the glaring reality that no one in my life is as invested or interested in this as I am. Unlike most people, I don't have a mother fawning over the idea of her little girl getting married. I don't have friends that are really excited for me. Now, in all fairness, my mother in law and my maid of honor have done a lot to help. It isn't that there is no support. I can't pretend that that is the case. It just isn't the same. I mean hell, I can't even get my maid of honor and bridesmaid together to try on their dresses and test out makeup. Lord knows, that is more because all of us live extremely busy lives, but it doesn't change my feelings being hurt. It doesn't change the frustration of doing something I never wanted to do without the type of support other people would generally have.
It is the problem with being motherless. Moments like this. Feeling adrift in a sea of grief when I should be overjoyed. It's not often at nearly 27 years old that I still feel that. The wedding has truly brought up some intense remembrance of the grief I have carried my entire life. I have no idea how to even begin to process my true feelings about it all. I know avoidance is never a good choice. So I will push forward, I will force myself to enjoy the wedding regardless. It won't be easy, but in 45 more days, I'll finally be married to my best friend. I never have to do it again.
I don't care about the wedding. I care about the man I'm marrying. That is the important part. The wedding is just one day, but our marriage is the rest of our lives. It is tying us together in name and in spirit until long after we are dirt in the ground. Hopefully, that'll be enough to get me through all of these complicated emotions.
And on that especially depressing note... Taila Out.
No comments:
Post a Comment