Thursday, October 5, 2023

Silence And Control

 I like to run experiments, generally behavioral, like a mad scientist. I want to believe this is just a fun quirk of mine, but if I'm being honest I'm sure it can be quite annoying. I do this most of the time to improve my life, learn things about others, and occasionally just for my own joy. One of my recent experiments had to do with the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." My silence is often a gift to others, what I've learned is, people aren't a fan of that. My conclusion is that this will be a behavior I continue without question. 

I've had a very hard time learning to "pick my battles" most of my life, I am the one to choose violence in most situations (metaphorically). I will argue and fight back until I feel that my point is understood and the issue is resolved. I tend not to acquiesce in any situation unless I am proven wrong. I'm also a fixer, I will mull a problem over and over (and over and over and over in many cases) until I have a solution or advice to give. I am by nature obsessive about most things, but, I'm trying to combat that a bit in my older age. I believe in balance, in eating, in relationships, in all things we do, I strive to avoid going too far with anything. Most extremes just cause misery of some form. I have no desire to stay in misery for the rest of my life. 

So back to the topic of the post, what have I learned in sitting in my silence? A lot more than I could say in one blog post certainly, some of it a little too personal to share online. I've lost some friendships, though I don't know that I necessarily believe them to be a true loss. I am generally a reasonable person, I can be communicated with, and I don't intend harm to people I care about, so if my silence has bothered someone they should have reached out and spoken to me. I've known for many years that I do a lot of the heavy lifting of maintaining friendships, I reach out, I care, and care, and care, until it literally rips me apart. At some point in the last couple of years, I began to resent this part of myself as it was taken advantage of, as it hurt me. I have systemically begun destroying my empathy for others, but I realized recently that it is unnecessary, I can care and be empathetic to others and it does not have to hurt me. In honesty, it wasn't anyone else's fault that I had put effort in a place it was not warranted. Only I am responsible for my feelings and actions, as Aaron Burr in Hamilton said, "I am the one thing in life I can control." I have found controlling myself is far easier than trying to control and understand others. 

I recommend reviewing the places in life where you have pain and seeing if you can adjust your behavior to fix the problem. Expecting others to understand you or change is a waste of time. We come across a few people in life who understand parts of us, some more than others, and some for only a short time, and that is a wonderful feeling. Hold onto that feeling, and let it go when it no longer serves your life. 

I'm not trying to be deep by the way, just my observations of the world around me. We all process in our own ways, I like to process things for everyone to see, like the attention whore I probably am. You love me or you hate me, but at least you're reading the blog. 

Taila Out. 

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