Is People Pleasing Manipulation?

 Ooo look at that title, yup no preamble we're going to talk about it. It's been a popular topic in my algorithm lately. 

Let's first define a people pleaser; this is a person who wants other people to like them and wants others to always approve of them. The first thing to address is how much the always in that sentence matters, a people pleaser will go to great lengths to ensure other people see them in a positive light, regardless of their own well-being. They will change their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to fit into the box they believe others want them to be. Instinctually most people want to feel accepted somewhere in their life, the desire to fit in or be loved is nothing to be ashamed of, however, it can be taken too far. 

Now that we understand what a people pleaser is, let's move forward. I've known quite a few people pleasers, and could even be accused of occasionally behaving this way myself. People pleasers are likely a result of some type of trauma, the need to be accepted to that extent has to be a crippling feeling. However, I don't think anyone can be excused of toxic behaviors regardless of the reasoning, having an understanding of why is the beginning of changing the behavior. 

Why would people pleasing be manipulation? Well, I think it is a good way of hiding the true self, if you are always changing your personality to fit in with a group, inauthenticity is certainly a form of lying. It doesn't allow people to make a genuine impression of you, to know who you are, and to decide if you are someone they would genuinely like to have in their life. To put on a mask constantly has to be a burden, and it cannot last forever, inevitably you will show your true colors. I would also say people peasing is also a form of self-harm. 

I want nothing more than for people to be 100% upfront about who they view themselves to be, to comport themselves as they truly are. Unfortunately, very few of us do that. There are many situations where we must at minimum curb parts of ourselves to function, as an example, we must all be professional in our jobs. I believe we all have different versions of ourselves for different parts of our lives, I do not behave the same way in public, that I would act in the privacy of my home with my partner. This is not a lack of authenticity, it is knowing what behavior is appropriate depending on the situation. 

While I do think that people pleasing has the taste of manipulation, I also believe the people hurt most by these actions are the people pleasers themselves. You can never be fully accepted if you are incapable of showing who you really are to anyone. I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for an image that isn't real. 

I think this is a topic with a lot more depth than I can get into in a short blog post, but I think it has value in reflecting on the behaviors that not only affect the people around us, but the ones that hurt us most. 

On that note, I am off to try to finish these final edits!

Taila Out. 

On Being Alone

I couldn't count the number of messages I have received from men telling me how horribly lonely they are. How they desperately need a girlfriend/wife/human sex toy in their lives to fix everything. I always respond that until you are capable of being happy and fulfilled alone you do not need a relationship. The weird internet culture around dating and sex is a post for another time, but the topic of loneliness is interesting to me.

I had a bit of a heated debate with a friend over having multiple children once, it was a bit eye-opening about who they were in ways I won't share here, but I will explain our stances. I was raised an only child, and while there are some children floating around from my egg donor I was in every way that mattered, an only child. Of course, since this is my experience I would be more interested in repeating it. I wasn't ignored or neglected, my family played with me (and spoiled me if we're being honest). This was a privilege, and one I would want to give to any child I may hypothetically bring into the world. I do now have a sibling, she was born two days after my seventeenth birthday, I love her dearly. While my father didn't intentionally wait until close to my adulthood to have another child I think there was more wisdom in it than most people realize. My sister is now allowed to grow with tons of people who love her dearly and are focused on her growth. It takes a village, and when that village isn't distracted by a litter of children it's easier.  The friend's argument was that the child would be alone if their parents were gone, even in adulthood that would be difficult.  They have siblings who they are close to, this is an unsurprising side for them to take. What I was surprised by was the fact they couldn't really see my point. A two-parent household with one child has more time, energy, love, and likely money to care for that child than a two-parent household with three children. On top of that, at some point in all of our lives we are going to be alone, everyone should be prepared for that reality. People die, opportunities arrive, pandemics happen, and avoiding loneliness is highly unlikely. Not to mention it would stunt a person's growth, we can learn the most about ourselves in the time we spend alone with our mind. Maybe I am weird, or maybe my enjoyment of isolation is some sign of mental illness, but if everyone I loved dropped dead tomorrow I would find a way to survive. That is what your parents should teach you: How to survive without them. It is not the natural way for a parent to outlive their child, we lose people in life and at times it leaves us alone. Of course, having more family to lean on is wonderful, humans are tribal, some part of us craves intimate community, but we can survive without it. 

Fear holds us back from our true selves, no one is without some fear, but allowing it to control your life means you will only ever live a half-life. If you fear being alone so greatly that you only focus on filling your life with people you aren't taking the time to cultivate meaningful relationships, you're not facing and handling your fears. Fear will control every aspect of your life if you allow it. I personally make a choice to not allow fear to rule my life. I have abadonment trauma, being left by everyone I love has certianly been a fear of mine, but in reality people don't always have control of their leaving (my grandmother couldn't live forever), and if someone doesn't want to be in my life, I certianly won't be forcing them. I'd rather live in isolation than to be surrounded by people who don't truly care for me. 

Avoiding being alone is likely avoiding facing parts of yourself that are only loud when you are left with your thoughts and feelings. I'd much rather face the darkest parts of myself than allow my relationships with others to control my life. There is peace to be found in ourselves if only we search for it. Not every part of the human experience is beautiful and easy, but if it was we wouldn't ever appreciate the moments of pure joy that are found in existing.  

This post has been sitting half finished for several months, I know the topic of loneliness will be a bit polarizing, and I was never sure how I wanted to end it. It's not exactly ending on the post postive note, and I know some people will feel personally attacked. In all reality I write a lot of these posts because I find them thought provoking. I've made a lot of life changes this year, and it's led to me having less social outlets, I don't regret this at all. I enjoy my alone time a lot, and I've never comprehended people who aren't comfortable being alone. It's certainly a worthy discussion topic. 

Taila Out. 

Silence And Control

 I like to run experiments, generally behavioral, like a mad scientist. I want to believe this is just a fun quirk of mine, but if I'm being honest I'm sure it can be quite annoying. I do this most of the time to improve my life, learn things about others, and occasionally just for my own joy. One of my recent experiments had to do with the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." My silence is often a gift to others, what I've learned is, people aren't a fan of that. My conclusion is that this will be a behavior I continue without question. 

I've had a very hard time learning to "pick my battles" most of my life, I am the one to choose violence in most situations (metaphorically). I will argue and fight back until I feel that my point is understood and the issue is resolved. I tend not to acquiesce in any situation unless I am proven wrong. I'm also a fixer, I will mull a problem over and over (and over and over and over in many cases) until I have a solution or advice to give. I am by nature obsessive about most things, but, I'm trying to combat that a bit in my older age. I believe in balance, in eating, in relationships, in all things we do, I strive to avoid going too far with anything. Most extremes just cause misery of some form. I have no desire to stay in misery for the rest of my life. 

So back to the topic of the post, what have I learned in sitting in my silence? A lot more than I could say in one blog post certainly, some of it a little too personal to share online. I've lost some friendships, though I don't know that I necessarily believe them to be a true loss. I am generally a reasonable person, I can be communicated with, and I don't intend harm to people I care about, so if my silence has bothered someone they should have reached out and spoken to me. I've known for many years that I do a lot of the heavy lifting of maintaining friendships, I reach out, I care, and care, and care, until it literally rips me apart. At some point in the last couple of years, I began to resent this part of myself as it was taken advantage of, as it hurt me. I have systemically begun destroying my empathy for others, but I realized recently that it is unnecessary, I can care and be empathetic to others and it does not have to hurt me. In honesty, it wasn't anyone else's fault that I had put effort in a place it was not warranted. Only I am responsible for my feelings and actions, as Aaron Burr in Hamilton said, "I am the one thing in life I can control." I have found controlling myself is far easier than trying to control and understand others. 

I recommend reviewing the places in life where you have pain and seeing if you can adjust your behavior to fix the problem. Expecting others to understand you or change is a waste of time. We come across a few people in life who understand parts of us, some more than others, and some for only a short time, and that is a wonderful feeling. Hold onto that feeling, and let it go when it no longer serves your life. 

I'm not trying to be deep by the way, just my observations of the world around me. We all process in our own ways, I like to process things for everyone to see, like the attention whore I probably am. You love me or you hate me, but at least you're reading the blog. 

Taila Out. 

Another Boring Update

 I'm not sure how long I'll continue blogging, but I do enjoy documenting my journey, through writing, my health, and my feelings/opinions on things. It's a nice online journal essentially. A lot has been going on in my life lately, so why don't we do a little update post. 

I turned 25 two weeks ago, it was a quiet affair, and I honestly don't feel any particular way about it. I'm happy to still be alive, 16 year old me definitely didn't predict we'd make it this far. To be fair, she was... gloom, doom, and agony embodied. I'm sure many of us were. I guess on the subject of dying, I did spend six days in the hospital with a kidney infection that had caused sepsis in August. That was a great time (not), but I had some good support, Tyler stayed with me the entire time, my boss stopped by, and everyone who couldn't come by the hospital kept a check on me via text. So as you can imagine I've had an interesting month. Trying to recover from that visit took much longer than expected. Physically, I recovered fairly quickly some soreness and fatigue lingered, but the emotionally draining experience mixed with work, birthdays, and just trying to stay above water was more than I could do. Finally, over a three-day weekend, I managed to reset myself, I cleaned the RV, I got my mind where I needed it to be, and mostly I just let myself do what I felt like. I'm sure my near silence was weird for the people around me, but I had to do something or I was headed to a bad place mentally. Or I was already there and I had to dig myself out of the hole. The world will never know. 

Other than all that boring life stuff, most of the summer I spent every moment of my free time playing Diablo IV. It probably ranks in the top 5 games I've ever played, and since I've been able to play with Dad, Whitneigh, and Tyler it has enhanced my gaming experience. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll get my Sorceress to level 100 before the season ends, but I'm determined to try again with a Druid for season two, more to come on Diabo another time. I pretty much didn't write this summer... well that's not entirely true, I did start a project that's been taking up my headspace for a while, but I've only gotten a couple chapters down. So this week I decided my goal is to have the final edits of Code Red done before Thanksgiving, we are quickly headed into year seven of me working on this book, and I'm ready to move forward with the project. Book two is calling for my attention, and I want to share it with the world. Or maybe just a few people who might enjoy the story I've been working on since I was 18. Big dreams, but I won't stop reaching toward them. 

I just know y'all love my boring updates. More exciting stuff coming soon... maybe. I can't make any promises, you know my track record. 

Taila Out.