I moved out of my childhood home in September of 2021, just a few days shy of my 23rd birthday. It was impulsive and not especially well planned considering what a huge step that is in life. Of course, I didn't make the move alone, my partner and I moved in a with a new couple we'd made friends with. Now let me tell you what a journey my little apartment has been. This is a cautionary tale to those of you trying to rush out of your current living situations, beware things that sound too good to be true, they always are. I won't go too deeply into some of these stories, some things are best kept off the internet, but I'll tell you what I've learned from each roommate I've had.
The Couple: Day one in the apartment was a nightmare for me, I felt totally lost, I sat and cried to my best friend, already realizing what a mistake I had made. Maybe some part of that bled into all the interactions I had over the next few months, but I think overall I just realized how immature and in over our heads all four of us truly were. Not a well matched group to live with. This also taught me that I have some of my own issues that make certain types of people very hard to live with for me. Don't put much trust into people you don't know. Now I've always known that, I'm not a trusting person by nature, but when I want something, I will often ignore my better judgement to get it. That was half of my lesson learned here. This was the beginning of a lesson about confrontation avoidance. They moved out unexpectantly and stuck us with a months rent. We handled it and moved on.
The Friends: I don't want to go into this one overly much. These are people I still care about a lot, and none of us had negative intentions. The problems could have been handled with more maturity, by everyone. This was another lesson in confrontation avoidance. Many hurt feelings and anxiety could have been eased by some very honest conversations. We are young adults trying to make our way in the world, it's scary and stressful, and I think on my own journey I wasn't able to see that as much as I should have. It's very easy to be self focused and take things other people do personally. Very few people are doing anything more than trying to survive. But here begins the case of the missing forks.
I came into this home with about 10 forks, in the early summer of 2021, I could only find a few of those. I ignored this problem for several months, other far more important things had my focus. Finally, I was down to four forks, and was exasperated. The house was clean, I knew they weren't hidden away in any areas I was in. In the fall, I bought 6 forks (this cost be about 20$, and while that might not seem like a lot, as newly on our own young adults, finances have been a struggle). I was irritated, some petty missing posters were hung. Three of the four original forks disappeared. Today, I think I have about seven. I imagine the landfill and dumps have my forks now.
The Desperate Answer: When our lease came up for renewal, both friends said they'd be moving out (one is still here, but that is irrelevant to the story). With a bit of panic due to job changes we found a fast answer in a stranger. A late night trek to Kentucky in late August produced the newest roommate. What I'd learn over the next few days would make me regret that trip deeply. Our newest roommate was a meth head who had spent significant time in jail, and who was living on social security. I spent quite a bit of time feeling unsafe. This problem solved itself, he went back to the holler from which he came with no fuss or drama, and we sent a quiet thanks to the universe that it didn't go badly.
The Last Straw: At this point my partner and I spent some time discussing what we needed/wanted out of a roommate, made some ads, and tried to sus out someone who would be a decent fit into our lives and us into theirs. Ultimately, we just wanted someone who could pay some of the rent and take care of themselves. My partner convinced me that one of his coworkers needed a place and would be an easy answer. I wasn't a fan of the idea, because the person wasn't really in a financial position to pay the 350-400$ a month we were wanting for rent. But out of some misguided want to help and also be helped, I agreed. This person smoked cigarettes and had a dog. These are problems because I'm very allergic to cigarettes, and our apartment building is very strict about animals. We still decided to give it a go. I realized early on that this person wasn't going to be especially respectful of boundaries (I was working from home, at the time I didn't have an office, and he would regularly come in and bother me while I was trying to work). The final straw came late Thanksgiving night, my partner's family had sent us home with a prized turkey leg (something I've never personally had the privilege of eating before). We entered the kitchen, laughing, having both had a good day after weeks of stress to find the turkey leg gone. This was my final straw on being disrespected in my home. I had been providing food as best as I was able, in fact the night before leftovers sat untouched in the fridge. I had made it clear that if there was very little of something that asking before eating it was important. I raged, ranted, probably turned a nice Hulk shade of green. Now, a complete overreaction? Yes of course. It's just a damn turkey leg. But it wasn't about the turkey leg, it was about someone disrespecting my boundaries and space. His reasoning? He was drunk. I am not a big drinker, and I certainly don't get drunk and use it as an excuse to disrespect other people. A Facebook post was made, "offending someone over something arbitrary"(don't even get me started on that not being a great use of that word, hipsters like to use big words to sound smart, not because they know what they really mean). Did not assist in me calming to reasonable conversation. He said he'd be moving out, I felt no need to beg him to stay. A day later, a crappy attitude, and the words "well that makes you an asshole" (at least I wasn't avoiding confrontation right?) later and our roommate was hitting the road.
As you can tell, I'm still a bit miffed about the last one, but what I learned from it was likely the most valuable. (Yes, don't take in homeless young men is part of the lesson, but not the important part). I don't like be confrontational or rude to people, I don't get any pleasure from being an asshole for no reason. But I'm also not an easy person to live with because of my own issues and flaws. Being concise is something I have to work on. Somethings could be easily avoidable if I simply created boundaries instantly. It is far harder to act unaware when you're crossing a line if you know the line is drawn. I don't know where 2023 will take my roommate situation, but I do know my flaws and faults, and hopefully if we decided to have any more roommates we will handle it with far more maturity than in the year past. There is as much responsibility on mine and my partners part as there was on our various roommates. And that's okay, we've learned a lot, and we can do better in the future. (Or maybe not, having no roommates certainly wouldn't be a bad thing).
Taila Out.
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