I spend a lot of time reviewing my behavior, taking stock of how I've handled situations to ensure I've made the correct choices. It's not a question of regret, but to ensure my own growth and maturity. I do not want to repeat mistakes, living in a cycle of misery isn't fun for anyone. The problem with self-awareness and introspection for me is that I often cannot understand why other people aren't capable of it. Where I have failed has taught me many lessons, and in looking back with a new mindset I am able to see why I've made those choices and grow past it. I don't want to allow myself to be stagnant and excuse my bad behaviors. Nobody wants to be 40 and dealing with 16-year-old problems. Now, I do not suggest dwelling too much on the past, living in the past means missing the present. It's a balance to correct your course without beating yourself down.
My New Year's Resolution was jokingly that I was going to mind my own business in 2023. The more I thought on this the less ridiculous it became. I am the master of wanting to save other people, solve any problems that are presented to me, and to assert myself unnecessarily, whether I am wanted or not. This is a massively unhealthy behavior, both to myself and to others. People need to save themselves to grow, and while a helping hand or a listening ear is invaluable, solving your own problems creates a sense of pride. What is learned from someone always stepping in? Nothing, we grow most in times of struggle. I am a person who always wants to grow, and I never want to stop learning, this definitely causes a few moments of great shame or embarrassment for past discretions, but no one can be perfect. That is just the human condition.
I've learned two other connecting lessons, 1.) that sometimes boundaries can't fix a problem. Not everyone is receptive to them, and sometimes toxic or unhealthy can just be what it is without a change happening. and 2.) There doesn't have to be some great talk when it is time to move on from someone. A lot of times that "come to Jesus talk" is just a waste of time, it makes people feel defensive. If the answer is simply, "This is not a person I want in my life" let that be. That doesn't have to mean that the other person is evil (we all know how the internet loves to claim everyone is a narcissist), it just means that the person isn't good for your life. Having a relationship-ending conversation is hard to take back, and there's always a chance your perspective will change. Sometimes silence speaks the loudest.
I've recently seen an interesting type of behavior, I think the best way to explain it is projecting. You blame others and accuse them of the exact type of things you are doing. I think this boils down to a thing I do understand, hating others because of the things we hate in ourselves. I think we meet people who reflect our shadow selves to us, so that we may grapple with the parts of us we hate. I can tell you without a doubt I have experienced this, initially, I think it creates a lot of hate and insecurity, but if you can move past those feelings, and truly look at what that person is reflecting back to you it can only lead to growth. I think to some extent we likely all project ourselves onto others as a way to relate and feel less lonely.
Well there's the end of my great philosophical post for the week, I'm off to nurse a cold, and try to continue editing Code Red (an update on that coming soon). Mind your own business to protect your peace was probably the point of this entire post. Or maybe just a fever-induced ramble, who knows.
Taila Out.