Saturday, May 27, 2023

Minding My Business

 I spend a lot of time reviewing my behavior, taking stock of how I've handled situations to ensure I've made the correct choices. It's not a question of regret, but to ensure my own growth and maturity. I do not want to repeat mistakes, living in a cycle of misery isn't fun for anyone. The problem with self-awareness and introspection for me is that I often cannot understand why other people aren't capable of it. Where I have failed has taught me many lessons, and in looking back with a new mindset I am able to see why I've made those choices and grow past it. I don't want to allow myself to be stagnant and excuse my bad behaviors. Nobody wants to be 40 and dealing with 16-year-old problems. Now, I do not suggest dwelling too much on the past, living in the past means missing the present. It's a balance to correct your course without beating yourself down. 

My New Year's Resolution was jokingly that I was going to mind my own business in 2023. The more I thought on this the less ridiculous it became. I am the master of wanting to save other people, solve any problems that are presented to me, and to assert myself unnecessarily, whether I am wanted or not. This is a massively unhealthy behavior, both to myself and to others. People need to save themselves to grow, and while a helping hand or a listening ear is invaluable, solving your own problems creates a sense of pride. What is learned from someone always stepping in? Nothing, we grow most in times of struggle. I am a person who always wants to grow, and I never want to stop learning, this definitely causes a few moments of great shame or embarrassment for past discretions, but no one can be perfect. That is just the human condition.  

I've learned two other connecting lessons, 1.) that sometimes boundaries can't fix a problem. Not everyone is receptive to them, and sometimes toxic or unhealthy can just be what it is without a change happening. and 2.) There doesn't have to be some great talk when it is time to move on from someone. A lot of times that "come to Jesus talk" is just a waste of time, it makes people feel defensive. If the answer is simply, "This is not a person I want in my life" let that be. That doesn't have to mean that the other person is evil (we all know how the internet loves to claim everyone is a narcissist), it just means that the person isn't good for your life. Having a relationship-ending conversation is hard to take back, and there's always a chance your perspective will change. Sometimes silence speaks the loudest.

I've recently seen an interesting type of behavior, I think the best way to explain it is projecting. You blame others and accuse them of the exact type of things you are doing. I think this boils down to a thing I do understand, hating others because of the things we hate in ourselves. I think we meet people who reflect our shadow selves to us, so that we may grapple with the parts of us we hate. I can tell you without a doubt I have experienced this, initially, I think it creates a lot of hate and insecurity, but if you can move past those feelings, and truly look at what that person is reflecting back to you it can only lead to growth. I think to some extent we likely all project ourselves onto others as a way to relate and feel less lonely. 

Well there's the end of my great philosophical post for the week, I'm off to nurse a cold, and try to continue editing Code Red (an update on that coming soon). Mind your own business to protect your peace was probably the point of this entire post. Or maybe just a fever-induced ramble, who knows. 

Taila Out.

Friday, May 12, 2023

The Underwear Conundrum

 If you know me in real life, and especially if you're related to me, I don't want to hear any complaints about this post. It's for the girls. So here we go. 

I hate wearing underwear. Panties. Whatever you want to call your bloomers. Now I've had sensory issues with pants and underwear my entire life. I can quote my younger self here, "I hate school. I hate going to school because they make me wear pants". Go little Taila, you were right. Society shouldn't expect us to conform to pants. Anyway, underwear.  I don't know exactly when, but at some point I just quit wearing them. I always keep some in the closest just in case (boyshorts or thongs only), but thanks to some fantastic birth control they really weren't a necessity in my life. But I am a connoisseur, what grown woman doesn't want some comfortable but cute (you can read sexy) sets in their arsenal. If you are a regular panty wearer (especially a plus size one) you know how incredibly difficult that can be. Things roll, fall down, squeeze, or god forbid the terrible wedgie. Let's talk about some of the brands I own. 

Torrid: A polarizing company indeed, I discovered them in 2017, having shopped at Cato's primarily. At the time I was blown away, they had everything, and much more modern styles. This began a renaissance in my style, I wore dresses and skirts more, I explored non floral clothes, and I found cute underwear for the first time. As time went on, I started to realize as much as I do like some of their clothes, they're overpriced, and not exactly my style most of the time. Unfortunately, their underwear still had all the same problems that places like Lane Bryant, Walmart, etc have. They just don't fit all fat bodies correctly. I've got a big ol' ass, it gets in the way folks. 

AdoreMe: I think I ordered from them for the first time in 2018, I bought a nice purple bodysuit. It was comfortable and pretty good quality. I didn't buy from them again until very recently, I bought some lingerie, and a very nice matching bra and panty set. I love the bra, which is quite surprising because when I say I don't tend to wear underwear bras are included. I didn't hate the panties, but they rolled so badly I could barely manage to keep them up. This is not to say that I don't love this company, in fact I think I'll definitely be purchasing more from them in the future. 

Now for the real reason behind this post. The best underwear I have ever owned. Allow me to introduce you: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-seamless-high-waisted-rise-thong-auden/-/A-87419991#lnk=sametab

You know I'm not going to gatekeep the good stuff. These are absolutely amazing, I can barely tell I'm wearing them, no wedgies, no rolling, just perfect. I am not a big Target shopper, while I love the store, it's a bit of a trap for my manic shopping. However, you will see me giving them my patronage more often, especially in their underwear and clothing. When I purchased the thong above (only 7$!!!!), I also got a pair of shorts (legging shorts, short leggings, I don't know they're legging material). They're very comfortable and at a whooping 12$ I will be purchasing more. I won't say all of Target's clothes are my style. I'm comfy chic girly. A little punk or pastel goth at times, but my only real requirement for my clothes is that they must be comfortable. I am not a fashionista, but if you're looking for an affordable, comfortable pair of underwear, check your local Target. If you want to hear more about my experience as a fat woman wearing clothes, let me know, I have thoughts. 

Taila Out

PS: I'm really not sponsored, but trust me if Target wants to, I've got the time.


Wednesday, May 10, 2023

Hi It's Me, I'm The Problem

 I realized today I was recently really offended by something someone close to me did. Now, I want to say there was no malintent to the action, and I am not going to go into too much detail as I have no intention of addressing this particular offense. I'm bringing it up, because it's a me problem (que Taylor Swift). 

I have the privilege of many years of therapy, due to my trauma, which in many ways put me ahead of the curve of my peers.  There were many ways I was behind, but that is immaterial today. I would consider myself a fairly healed person (without question compared to even a year ago). The older I get that more and more isolated I become. I don't really regret this behavior, to be clear I'm an introvert, I've never had many friends. I have a pretty small family. I associate with maybe 10 people on a regular basis (6 of those are family and my partner lol). I'm quite happy in life in many ways. Quality of connection over quantity. The real issue is, I have a very low tolerance for nonsense. I have a hard time with unnecessary immaturity. Added to the fact, that I am not the best with validating other people's emotions (I don't validate my own that well), I don't exactly play well with others. I want to be clear here, I love people, I respect that emotions happen and we all need support in processing this mess of a world we live in. But I also try to come from a more logical place than an emotional one. I don't want to react to my feelings, I want to process them. Those are my problems, not others. I will seek support and advice when I need it, but my confidants are fairly few. 

In my opinion, by your mid twenties you are in control of your life and have the power to change the things you are unhappy with. It's just not that deep. In reality, just because I have had the space, support, and privilege to heal and grow, doesn't mean everyone else has. Not to even mention that what might be of no consequence to me, doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic to someone else. Everyone is wired and experiences life differently. We cannot compare our pains, we all suffer in our own private ways.  

I'm a big fan of the term "mental masturbation". The general meaning I take from this is wallowing in your emotional misery instead of truly working to move past it. It certainly seems common in this day and age. I am a huge advocate of mental health, but I don't agree with the internets version of that. I think it really promotes the "mental masturbation" behavior. You don't get better in an environment you are being hurt in, that begins first in your own mind. If you mentally torture yourself daily you will never find peace. Some of us need therapy, medication, or other forms of help. There is no shame in needing those things, I take daily mental health medication and it has vastly improve my quality of life, I am less anxious overall and I have more clarity. 

I'll add to that the obsession with diagnosis' (Autism, ADHD, BPD, etc) being so popular now, is also an issue. Yes there is some valid forms of self diagnosis, of course we know our own minds and experiences better than anyone, but in most cases what does that truly bring to your life? What I see is a generation obsessed with what could be wrong with them. Who cares if you've got a touch of the tism. We all probably do. I can say without a doubt I have a heightened sense of justice and some sensory issues, do I need to rush to my psychiatrist to seek an Autism diagnosis? No. Because it isn't going to change my quality of life, in fact it would likely make it much worse. Not to even consider that there's so many overlapping mental health symptoms it's very hard to even receive an accurate diagnosis. I can tell you I've had PTSD since I was a very small child (But guess what they've given me every fucking diagnosis under the sun since, do I have all those things? Who knows. Who cares. The only thing that matters is my quality of life and the quality of the care I receive). I don't discourage seeking help, I discourage excusing everything with a mental illness. We are responsible for our behavior no matter what may be wrong with us. 

Just remember to take responsibility for your own problems. Grow, heal, be in love with yourself. Don't let others take up too much of your mental space. And opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. 

Taila Out. 

Wednesday, May 3, 2023

Recipe #1: Tails' Salad

 A fun fact about me is that I hate lettuce. I love many other vegetables, but something about lettuce just isn't for me. The problem with that is that I really want to like salad. Mid last year I had an epiphany and created what I'll be calling the Tails Salad. For all the lettuce haters out there, this one is for us. 

What you need: 

Spinach (I am sure you could use any leafy green here)

Carrots

Celery (optional)

Black Olives

Honeycrisp Apples

Strawberries

Feta

Bacon Pieces (I usually get the bag of real bacon pieces by Black Label or Hormel)

Croutons (you can remove this if you're avoiding carbs)


Wash your veggies and fruits first! Start with your spinach base, if you have a salad chopper use it,  I just rip my spinach up slightly removing the stems. I always use shredded carrots, then I slice some celery. I then cut my apple up into bite size chunks, I prefer honeycrisp, but I am sure any type of apple would work here. Slice your strawberries, here you have to be careful not to overpower the salad with them, so use your strawberries sparingly. Top with some crumbled feta, bacon pieces, and croutons. I personally use ranch as the dressing but I am sure there are other fantastic options. Ideally you could use mason jars or Tupperware to meal prep your salad. 

Enjoy! And let me know if you'd like more recipes (I have A LOT). 

Taila Out. 

On Apologies

What is the purpose of an apology? In my personal opinion this question only has two answers. Remorse and guilt. These two things seem very similar so allow me to explain. There is a third; the "I am sorry for your loss" type of apology. We don't have to discuss this one too deeply, it is a way to express our empathy/sympathy for another's struggle. 

An apology coming from a place of remorse is incredibly genuine, we have acknowledged our wrong against someone and desire to ease their pain. It is, in a way, a promise to never allow the same thing to happen again. In my opinion this is the best kind of apology, it's the one that matters the most. Now guilt. By definition remorse is a form of guilt, but allow me to explain the difference. When someone comes to us with pain we have caused them, they are often seeking an apology. These apologies come from a place of feeling bad that we've hurt them, not necessarily that the actions that caused their hurt are something we would do differently. This is a very subtle difference, but it does matter. 

A lesson I was taught in life was that apologies should always be sincere, with the intention that the behavior causing the apology will not be repeated. Here's the thing, I am the master of taking that too far. It has been hard for me to for many years to issue what I've described as "guilt apologies". Why? Because I'm too smart or literal for my own good probably. If my actions are correct in my eyes, it is very difficult for me to issue what I would consider an unnecessary apology. Here's the thing, that type of apology matters more to most than a genuine realization of wrong doing. It is saying, 'I see that I've hurt you, and I am sorry for that.' It is a validation of a persons feelings. I am not great at that. I am not an overly impulsive person, so if I make a choice or say something, about 75% of the time it is intentional.  When someone comes to me with their gripe (usually something emotional), I feel the need for them to see why I've made the choice that hurt them. Honestly, it does nothing. All it does is make a me look like I'm too proud to care for another person's feelings, and maybe I am. More likely, I desire to be understood, if I can explain why I've done something then the other person will no longer be hurt.  Right? Wrong. I don't always have to be right, sometimes issuing that apology to allow another person to feel better is 100% worth maintaining the relationship. Sometimes it isn't. You have to make that choice for yourself. 

Allow me a small complaint. It has become very normalized to say "I'm sorry" constantly, almost as if we are apologizing for our existence. This bothers me. While I'm aware this can come from a place of anxiety, it's not a good thing. When we say we're sorry for every little thing we do (whether right or wrong), what does it mean when we've done something we truly need to issue an apology for. You don't need to apologize for being a human being, to my knowledge we all are. 

Furthermore, if we issue apologies that we do not mean. What is the point in apologizing for a behavior we have no intention of changing? I struggle with this the most. I hate to receive an apology that means nothing, and I don't like issuing them when I feel as if it isn't warranted. You will never doubt if my apology is genuine, because I don't issue them lightly. 

This seems like a big rant. Hopefully I've made a decent point. If not, it's my blog so who cares. 

Taila Out.