What is the purpose of an apology? In my personal opinion this question only has two answers. Remorse and guilt. These two things seem very similar so allow me to explain. There is a third; the "I am sorry for your loss" type of apology. We don't have to discuss this one too deeply, it is a way to express our empathy/sympathy for another's struggle.
An apology coming from a place of remorse is incredibly genuine, we have acknowledged our wrong against someone and desire to ease their pain. It is, in a way, a promise to never allow the same thing to happen again. In my opinion this is the best kind of apology, it's the one that matters the most. Now guilt. By definition remorse is a form of guilt, but allow me to explain the difference. When someone comes to us with pain we have caused them, they are often seeking an apology. These apologies come from a place of feeling bad that we've hurt them, not necessarily that the actions that caused their hurt are something we would do differently. This is a very subtle difference, but it does matter.
A lesson I was taught in life was that apologies should always be sincere, with the intention that the behavior causing the apology will not be repeated. Here's the thing, I am the master of taking that too far. It has been hard for me to for many years to issue what I've described as "guilt apologies". Why? Because I'm too smart or literal for my own good probably. If my actions are correct in my eyes, it is very difficult for me to issue what I would consider an unnecessary apology. Here's the thing, that type of apology matters more to most than a genuine realization of wrong doing. It is saying, 'I see that I've hurt you, and I am sorry for that.' It is a validation of a persons feelings. I am not great at that. I am not an overly impulsive person, so if I make a choice or say something, about 75% of the time it is intentional. When someone comes to me with their gripe (usually something emotional), I feel the need for them to see why I've made the choice that hurt them. Honestly, it does nothing. All it does is make a me look like I'm too proud to care for another person's feelings, and maybe I am. More likely, I desire to be understood, if I can explain why I've done something then the other person will no longer be hurt. Right? Wrong. I don't always have to be right, sometimes issuing that apology to allow another person to feel better is 100% worth maintaining the relationship. Sometimes it isn't. You have to make that choice for yourself.
Allow me a small complaint. It has become very normalized to say "I'm sorry" constantly, almost as if we are apologizing for our existence. This bothers me. While I'm aware this can come from a place of anxiety, it's not a good thing. When we say we're sorry for every little thing we do (whether right or wrong), what does it mean when we've done something we truly need to issue an apology for. You don't need to apologize for being a human being, to my knowledge we all are.
Furthermore, if we issue apologies that we do not mean. What is the point in apologizing for a behavior we have no intention of changing? I struggle with this the most. I hate to receive an apology that means nothing, and I don't like issuing them when I feel as if it isn't warranted. You will never doubt if my apology is genuine, because I don't issue them lightly.
This seems like a big rant. Hopefully I've made a decent point. If not, it's my blog so who cares.
Taila Out.
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