I've started three blog posts this year, all of which sit unfinished in drafts. I haven't touched Code Red in at least a month (wait, it's the end of March... maybe 2 months). This is probably for several reasons, some I'll get into, some I won't. Prepare for a long, slightly scattered post. Let's begin.
Now I realized somewhat recently that I had been in a bit of a depressive funk for the late half of 2022 which unfortunately carried into my 2023. I wanted to manifest a better, upward motivated year. I want to be productive but relaxed. I want to grow and evolve, and meet goals. Tyler had been talking about going back to college for a while, the more he mentioned it the more the idea pulled at me. We're both well on our way to returning to higher education in fall of 2023. I can't say I'm not nervous about that choice, but I am moving with a lot of faith. It's better to try and fail than to never do anything out of fear. We are working on creating good habits, better time management skills, and being supportive of each other. I'm proud of us, even in the ways we are struggling. Now to the nitty gritty.
I love my job. It works very well for me, the pay is pretty decent, the benefits are fantastic. This is a blessing to me in many ways. I feared for a long time that I wouldn't find something steady that I would be able to maintain for a long period of time. I have a previous post talking about my job journey in 2022. The reason I bring this up isn't to brag, but because of those wonderful benefits. In 2021, I started a mental health medication journey, I found a decent medication that was working. About this time last year, I had a bit of a mental breakdown, and they added an additional medication that really helped. Then I lost health insurance and access to medication around the end of August. I had been having other health concerns, and couldn't address them. When my health insurance kicked in at the beginning of February; I immediately made 3 different doctors appointments (I still haven't made it to the 3rd, waitlists are hell). What this ultimately led to was learning I'm a diabetic. Not really news to me but it's been an interesting couple months as I've started new medication (that's it's own post), tried to work on my lifestyle (food, exercise, etc), and process all my feelings. What does this have to do with anything? Well other than just being an update on where my mental energy has been going, I want to talk about moderation.
A few times today balance and moderation have come up, whether across my social media, in conversation with friends, or just as my own thoughts. We hear about moderation a lot when we talk about dieting. Now I want to say, I am not a fan of dieting, it's an unhealthy culture and it tends to affect women had an higher rate than men (not to say that men don't also diet, struggle with body image, etc. I grew up a fat little girl, I can only speak from my own experiences). When I think about being healthy, I think about long term changes, things that I will do for the rest of my natural life to ensure I am the healthiest person I can be. I want to be here to torture my friends and family for as long as possible. But I also know myself, I obsess about everything, and obsession leads to exhaustion, and often failure. How can I find a balance in life where I am at peace, healthy, social, and doing the things I care about in life? Obviously I'm missing something if I'm not writing, even something as simple as stimulating my brain to write a blog post hasn't been something I've been up to.
I'm going to get a little 18+ here, so if you're not comfortable hearing about it, stop reading! One of the ways moderation came to mind for me today was a clip on TikTok talking about vibrators and how they reduce female sensitivity. As someone who has had a hyper-fixation on adult fun time for many years I know for a fact this is false (it's not impossible, but it's incredibly rare). I've read the studies, I've done the research, ladies enjoy your satisfiers, wands, etc. men on the internet don't know what they're talking about. Talk to a medical provider if you have any concerns. Now to the actual point! Yes of course if you're flicking the bean 10 times a day you may suffer the side effects. All things in moderation. Even pleasure.
Ideally everything in life should have a balance. You shouldn't work too much, play too much, eat too much (or too little). Our society isn't great about providing us with the space to have a healthy balance of all the things we need and want in life. Inevitably it is likely somewhere in your life will lack balance. I am working hard to find the places where I lack balance and fix the scales. When we moved into our apartment I allowed myself to over socialize, and I burned out on people. I need space, alone time, and silence with my thoughts to find inner peace. I think now, with D&D, occasional game nights, and random social encounters I'm pretty balanced in my social life. I'm trying to find a way to balance my health. I love sugary drinks (so much, I mean to the point I'm probably a bit addicted to Sprite), I have quit buying cases of soda for myself. I do occasionally grab a bottle or can at the store as a treat, and a bottle of juice usually make it's way into the grocery cart, but I am working on it. I spent many years refusing to drink water (much to my adult shame, hydrate people, it not cute to be dry), now I drink at least 3 or 4 bottles a day.
I guess overall this was just a life update post. I hope you can take something from it. Balance in life is imperative to a healthy mind, body, and spirit.
Taila Out.
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