Random Thoughts #3

It's late (or early I guess, depending on how you look at it), and I have lots of thoughts running around in my brain, waiting for attention. That isn't a new phenomenon for me, my brain is usually running at about three hundred miles per hour, it's one of the many reasons I talk so much. If I talk about things they quit harassing my mind, which is the big part of why I'm such an open book. I can always talk to myself, although society sort of frowns upon people walking around talking to themselves, so I usually drag someone along with me if I'm doing something, or I pop headphones in, and let music drown out my voice.

I've always been a talkative person(my family likes to remind me of this on a fairly regular basis), but on my worst mental health days I'm usually quiet and withdrawn. I learned to quickly identify when that feeling of quietness begins to take over the chaos I am used to, it's a very dangerous place for me to be.

I fidget constantly. Between slapping my phone against my palm, tapping my fingernails, and bouncing my legs, I don't see how anyone can stand to be around me ninety five percent of the time. While I suffer from anxiety, I'm not usually nervous. Which I know makes absolutely no sense, I'm aware that with anxiety and nervousness comes a certain level of fear for most people, but that just isn't the case in my life.

I dislike fear, the biggest reason being, that I have no idea how to handle it. For this reason I don't watch horror movies. I have no idea what to do with a fear response, I'm always anxious, but I'm rarely afraid. People love to tell me that I wouldn't be able to function if someone pointed a gun at me: well guess what everyone, I already can't function. (That was a horrible joke, Taila). No, but in all seriousness, I have zero fear of death, and that's the very worse thing a person with a gun can do to you. That's not to say I want to go about risking my life like an idiot, I don't, but I'm not going to avoid things because I might die. I know I'm in the one percent here, and for those of you who are currently wondering if I'm a psychopath, I can honestly say no, I have far to much empathy for that.

I'm currently staring at the box of tarot cards hanging out on my bookshelf and wondering if I can incorporate them somewhere in a blog post, I think it's far past my bed time.

Come back soon.

Taila Out.