Loss, Love, & Lessons

 Today I am exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically drained. In nine days my fiancé's father and grandmother have passed away. This all started the day after our seventh anniversary. I've gotten a promotion at my job (yay! But also less sleep and more on my mental load).  I don't think anyone would blame me for being a bit of a frazzled mess at the moment. The universe always takes the chance to teach me a new lesson when I am drained. Probably because it is the easiest time to get through my thick skull.

Today I lost a friend. I went through a huge purge of my social circle in 2023. Not in any angry way, but I grew up, things happened, and I lost contact with some people that I cared deeply for. I still wish them the very best in life. I would talk to them again if the opportunity presented itself. I've worked hard over the last couple years to rebuild my friend group. I want to surround myself with people who give as much as I do. I want to surround myself with intimacy and love and growth. I work my ass off everyday to become better, I demand that in the people that are closest to me. I am understanding, because the Lord knows I have bad days, I fail, I make mistakes. We all do, we're human. 

I lost a friend, because I chose honesty over holding my tongue. I'll admit when I decided to be completely honest with my friend last night, I knew it would be harsh. For months, I've coddled them emotionally, given advice, and been exceedingly kind and understanding. Even as it bothered me, hurt my feelings, or didn't meet my expectations. I hold myself to unreasonably high expectations, I try to lower them for others, because I know I need to. But I remembered something last night as I received yet another message asking me to do emotional labor (read: not getting paid for the therapy I provided). I remembered that sometimes when I was acting in a similar vein someone I cared for was honest with me. They said the thing that hurt and I spent time thinking about it. I didn't always appreciate the painful truth, but it always was in the back of my mind. What we think about, we change. The reality is, I was a little too harsh. I should have been just a bit nicer than I was, but I'm a human being who should be allowed to make a mistake or have a bad day. Especially considering that they know what I've been going through the last few weeks. 

Instead I was met with insecurity, fear, and immaturity. I wasn't met with someone who considered me their friend, especially not an equal. Today, when I realized just how much being left on read had bothered me I reached out. I called out the behavior. And I was floored by someone who views me as the bad guy. I find this role surprisingly comfortable. I have played the villain for many, many people in my life. At times I have even strived to be seen as dangerous or intimidating. I will play the role that a person puts me in as if I was made for it. And so I made my exit. I removed that friend from my life. I accepted in a single moment that my friendship was never as strong as I thought, and I let it go. Or at least I began too. Writing this blog post is the final step. 

The truth is there had always been signs that this was not a person I could truly be close to. Not only the obvious one's I've mentioned above. This person was deeply judgmental of others. Everyone else was always a problem. That's a huge red flag, but I ignored it out of love for them. I follow the 'don't throw stones in a glass house' idea very closely. I certainly don't judge anyone if my life is worse than theirs. Frankly, judging anyone is wrong. It's something I am working to be better about. I wasn't judging them when I told them the observations I'd made about their situation. I was trying to give them a different perspective. That wasn't appreciated. The reality was, they wanted me to be on their side against someone else. I don't want to play that game. Sometimes we are wrong and we need to be told that. I want people in my life who will tell me when I'm wrong. Clearly, this person didn’t feel the same. That’s okay, but it doesn’t mean I should have to lower my standards of friendship for anyone. 

This is another form of loss. When Death takes someone we love, it is heart wrenching. There is no amount of time that makes that loss easier. We only adjust to it, find ways to cope. Death is a part of life though. It is expected that we will lose our parents or grandparents, especially as we get older. Losing a friend is a different kind of grief when it is over avoidable drama. I may not have lost a true friend, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I hate that my love for this person is ultimately what ended our friendship. Love for me involves honesty. When I provided honesty out of love for them, as a way to help their constant inner turmoil I was met with ridicule. The truth is some people can’t face their fears and insecurities head on. I should have considered that more before I answered. 

Ultimately, the universe has given me another lesson. For that I am grateful, even if I hurt from it. I will be a stronger person and better friend from this. That’s all I wish for anyone in my life. Happiness, peace, and growth to our best selves. 

Taila Out. 

The One Where I Talk About The Big Scary

 What is the big scary in 2025? Some of you probably have guessed correctly... politics. I don't discuss my political or religious beliefs often, but sometimes I just have something to say that I can't help but blog about. This is a conversation in good faith, so please don't bring bad-faith arguments into the comment sections or my inbox. I block and delete hate and lies without a second thought. 

Most anyone who knows me in my personal life knows that I am a left-leaning person. I believe that people of color deserve the same rights, respect, and lives as anyone else. I believe that immigrating to America should be easy and extremely common. I believe that women should be allowed to have abortions or whatever other healthcare they want. I believe that gay and trans people deserve to live their lives without being attacked or belittled. I believe in the separation of church and state. I believe the prison system is just the newest form of slavery, which is why more POC are incarcerated. I believe that marijuana should be legal federally. I believe that we need socialized medicine and a universal basic income. Call me a dirty liberal or a socialist all you like, I care about humanity. All of these things benefit humanity. 

Now here's where I'm going to lose some of you. I like guns, I do not want my handgun taken away because it keeps me safe. I don't think people under eighteen need to have permanent surgeries, hormones are fine in most cases. Haircuts and clothing changes are absolutely important. Children don't need to make permanent changes to their bodies. We don't allow kids to get tattoos, so I think waiting until adulthood to get gender-affirming surgeries is reasonable. I also do not care for people using very weird pronouns (fae/fe as an example). I'm all for he/him, she/her, they/them. I can even get on board with xe/xir, but I think trying to escape reality too much is a sign of some serious mental health issues. I don't care for cancel culture at all. It's gone too far. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes. Cancel culture has lost all meaning, and we need to stop. I don't think anyone under sixteen should have access to social media/the internet. It's extremely damaging to young minds. I do think entitlement is a huge problem in today's culture, and because of how the media has treated Gen Z and Millennials it's something that won't be easily fixed. No one owes us anything. Everyone still has to operate in the world today, whether they like it or not. Mental illness isn't an excuse for everything. 

Okay, so we've pretty much established that both sides have every reason in the world to hate me. But you know what, that's the whole point. EVERYONE has feelings like this. The world is not a black-and-white place. Two things can be true at the same time. Most people have very complicated lives and beliefs. If we treated each other more kindly, the world would be a much better place. In my real life, as I move through the world I rarely ever have bad interactions with people. Because I treat everyone with respect and kindness, even if I don't agree with them. There will always be hateful and horrible people, but if we spent more time looking for the good in others and less time trying to pick them apart I think we'd find we all have more similarities than differences. We all want to be able to afford rent and groceries, we all want to feel safe, and we all want our families to be safe. Let's focus on what we share, and work toward those goals instead of letting the rich people and the media tear us even further apart. Someday we will need our communities to survive. 

Cancel me if you want to, but it won't stop me from continuing to be kind to everyone I come across. 

Taila Out.